


Dennis Dates a Man

by ChloShow (orphan_account)



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Disordered Eating, Food, Homophobic Slurs, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, ski episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-16
Updated: 2015-04-17
Packaged: 2018-03-23 05:15:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3755761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/ChloShow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Gang takes a ski trip, and Dennis stumbles into a whirlwind romance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [InsanityRule](https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsanityRule/gifts).



[2 pm]

[On a Saturday]

[Somewhere in Pennsylvania]

 

_DENNIS is driving his Range Rover.  MAC’s in the passenger seat, and the rest of the Gang are in the back seat._

**DENNIS**   

Ah, yes, a weekend at a resort. Only skiing and fine dining and classy living from here on out.

**FRANK**

Who wants to help me with the steaks in the trunk?

**DENNIS**

Wait what? You brought meat with us? This better not be a goddamn scheme.

**FRANK**

See, I’m gonna convince these sleazy, high-brow yahoos to take the money they’d spend on quality meat, sell the steaks for full price, and turn a profit. I’ll get 25% of course.

**DENNIS**

No, Frank, no, we came here to be classy and sophisticated. You’re not selling low-grade meat to this ski resort!

**MAC**

Hey Dennis, do you want to start with snowboarding or skiing first because I was thinking skis are wimpy and crushable, but snowboards are badass.

 **DENNIS**   

I’m not doing this. I’m not making this into a competition. I’m so goddamn tired, and you’re already getting me worked up. We’ve never had a successful vacation you guys. Just once, just once let me enjoy myself.

 _Outside shot of the Range Rover.  Dennis gets out of the car and runs into a handsome stranger immediately._  
  
_DENNIS apologizes once he sees that the man is gorgeous._

  
**DENNIS**

Oh sorry, uh, didn’t see you there, pal.  
  
**MAN**

Hey, no problem.  
  
**DENNIS**

I see you have an Alfa Romeo.  Fine car for a fine man no less.  
  
**MAN  
**_[chuckles]  
  
_ It is, it is…you guys here to hit the slopes?  
  
**DEE**  
_[prepared to speak]  
  
_ Yea–  
  
**DENNIS**  
_[interrupts]  
  
_ Yes we’re here on vacation.  Giving some of our less cultured friends a taste of the high life. I’m Dennis by the way. _[reaches out to shake the man’s hand]_ Dennis Reynolds.  
  
**MAN**

Nice to meet you, Dennis.  I’m Steven Ewing.  You can call me Steve.  
  
**DEE  
**_[jumps at the chance to introduce herself]_

And I’m Dee Reynolds.  
  
**STEVE**

Oh, are you his wife?

  
**DEE**  
_[laughs uproariously]_

Oh no, eughhhh, I’m his sister.  And completely single.  
  
**STEVE  
**_[turns to leave]_

Well, it was nice running into you.  I guess I’ll see you around.   
_[smiles at DENNIS and leaves]_

**CHARLIE**

Whaaaaat was that?  
  
**MAC**

That guy was checking you out, Dennis!  
  
**DEE**

Uh, pshhhh, no, he asked if I was his wife. He wanted to know if I was married. Dude wants to get Dee’d.  
  
**DENNIS**

What, no, Dee, the man clearly recognized another man with excellent taste and is interested in pursuing a high-class friendship.  That’s just what I need, someone to discuss foreign cars and the latest fashions.  
  
**CHARLIE**

I don’t know, sounds gay to me, man.  
  
**DENNIS**

It isn’t gay. And I for one am excited to finally make acquaintance with a man of my standards.  
  
_[beat]_

 

[theme music]  
[“Dennis Dates a Man”]

 


	2. Chapter 2

SHOT: _Ext. of ski resort_

[“Hotsy Totsy” plays]

 

_DENNIS walks into a room with two queen-sized beds along with the rest of the Gang._

_  
_ **DENNIS**

Alright, I booked two rooms.  This one is for Mac and I.  And the other one is a king bed for Charlie and Frank to share ‘cause I figured ya know you guys are gonna want to sleep together, may as well have plenty of room to do it, right?

**DEE**

Where do I sleep?

**DENNIS**

Hm?  Oh, yeah, I didn’t want to shell out anymore for a third room, so there’s a pull out couch in both rooms just in case.  
  
**DEE**

Just in case _what?_  
  
**DENNIS**

You know, just in case you need to sleep elsewhere because I’m banging an athletic ski babe.   
_[bites lip and makes a sexual gesture with his arms and hips]_

 **CHARLIE**   

You know what Dee, it’s alright, calm down, Dee, listen, me and Frank can sleep on the pull out, and you can get the king bed, okay?  Is that alright, Frank?

**FRANK**

I don’t think I could sleep on a regular bed anymore if I tried. 

**MAC**

Okay, now that that’s settled, who wants to race me down the mountain first?  I know I’ve never snowboarded before and I don’t really have the aerodynamic body type because I’m so big, but I think I’ve watched enough Shawn White to get the gist.

**DENNIS**

Ah, no can do.  I’ve already booked an appointment at the resort’s spa.

**MAC**

Um, okay, Charlie then.  But I gotta say, you’re generally incredibly slow, and I’m not gonna go easy on you.

 **CHARLIE**   

Sorry, pal.  I’ve gotta help Frank with his meat scam.  
 _[makes a list with his fingers]_   
There’s refrigeration and proper preparation and I gotta arrange a meeting with the chef to make sure he knows how to boil away parasites so no one gets sued.

**DEE**

Wait a minute, what kind of steaks are you selling?

**FRANK**

Raccoon.  My meat guy croaked last week, and his will left me with most of his supply.  So I gotta turn a buck before the meat spoils.  Let’s go, Charlie.  We have work to do.    
_[turns to exit with CHARLIE]_

**DENNIS**

Yeah, I should be going, too.  Don’t want to be late.   
_[exits with FRANK and CHARLIE]_

**MAC**

Wha—you guys are just gonna leave me with Dee?    
_[Nobody answers.]_

_MAC and DEE are left alone together._

**DEE**

Before you don’t ask, I’m coming with, but only to stalk this Steven Ewing character.  
  
**MAC**

Fine.

_Cut to the resort spa and DENNIS in a white robe and flip-flops._

_DENNIS is rolling his neck, apparently enjoying the aftermath of a massage._

**DENNIS**

Ah, yes, no bickering, no overcompensation, just luxury.  I’m still talking to myself though.  That’s gotta stop at some point, right?

 

_STEVE enters into frame in a white robe._

**STEVE**

Looks like you had the same idea as me.

**DENNIS**   
_[quite pleased to see STEVE again]_

Oh yes!  Great minds think alike.   
_[laughing]_     
Just had a massage, and I have to say, I’ve had better, but _[lowers his voice]_ when you’ve been jerked off by a masseuse, there’s not much that can top that, right?

 **STEVE**   

I can’t say I’ve ever had the pleasure, but yeah, my ex-wife always complained that the women left scratch marks on her back.  And if you knew my ex-wife, you wouldn’t blame the masseuse. 

**DENNIS**   
_[laughs]_

Eeesh, I was married once, too.  Not very long, actually.  She still hounds me with alimony payments.  No, I don’t think I’ll ever make that mistake again.

**STEVE**

Listen, I was thinking if you were going to be on the slopes anyway that we could take a lift together. 

**DENNIS**

Oh, yeah, yeah, of course.

**STEVE**

I was thinking about heading up at 4.  Want to meet in the lobby then?

**DENNIS**

Excellent, yes, yes.  It’s so great to meet such a reasonable, likeminded man.

**STEVE**

What can I say?  Anyway, I have a, uh, facial treatment to get to.  Catch you later.    
_[He winks, and pats DENNIS on the shoulder as he passes by.]_


	3. Chapter 3

_Cut to MAC snowboarding a grand total of two feet before falling on his ass.  DEE is standing with her eyes peeled._

_MAC struggles to get back on his feet, tries to do a kip-up, but fails. DEE doesn’t move to lend a hand._

_MAC eventually gets back to his feet.  He tries to step but falls once more._

**DEE**

I can’t believe you’ve never snowboarded before.

**MAC**

Shut up, Dee!  It’s like trying to surf on an anvil tied to both legs! 

**DEE**

Oh, I didn’t know you surf.

**MAC**   
_[relegates himself to a sitting position on the ground with his arms over his legs]_

Anyway, I’ll get the hang of it after a few more practice rounds. Then I’ll show you all how much of a natural I am.  You’ll be on your way down the hill, and all you’ll get is a face full of white from how fast I’m going.

**DEE**

Yeah, yeah, face full of white, sure, I gotcha.

**MAC**

Wait a minute, where are your skis?

**DEE**

Not skiing.

**MAC**

What?

**DEE**

No, I told you, I’m on beefcake watch.  Besides, I never went skiing as a kid. That was all Dennis. My brace threw off my center of gravity.  I just ended up drinking hot chocolate in the hotel room while Dennis was off getting lessons, and mom was doing cocaine at the spa and Frank was doing whatever the hell he thought was fun I don’t know.

**MAC**

Hey, is that Dennis?

**DEE**

I don’t care about Dennis right now.

**MAC**   
_[squinting]_

No, he’s with that guy, Steve.

**DEE**

What!  

_DEE runs over to DENNIS and STEVE as fast as her boots will allow in the snow, leaving MAC behind on his ass._

_DENNIS is bundled up to the max because he’s anemic and unhealthy. STEVE and DENNIS are laughing at something and generally just look like they’re enjoying each other’s company._

**DEE**

Hey, Dennis, and _Steven_. So nice to see you again!

**DENNIS**

What are you doing up here, Dee?  I didn’t think you knew how to ski?

**DEE**

Uh, no, I was just hanging out with my good friend Mac!

 

_MAC arrives holding his snowboard._

**DEE  
** _[grabs his shoulder with false enthusiasm]_

Hey, buddy!

**MAC**

What the fuck are you doing, Dee?

**DEE**   
_[laughs exaggeratedly]_

Isn’t he just something?  [ _She eyes DENNIS with purpose.]_    
Oh man, I’m so glad we went on this trip. I never thought me and Mac would have so much to talk about. 

**DENNIS**

Okay.  Weird. Steven and I were just going to start off on a small slope and work our way up from there.

**STEVE**

Actually, I’ve been here a couple days already, but if you want, I could warm up with you. 

**DENNIS**

Oh, no, I was merely being accommodating for you.    
_[nervous laughter]  
_ I’m perfectly fine starting off on any slope you want.

 **DEE**   

Ooo, I could tag along if you guys don’t mind.  Mac was just teaching me how to snowboard.  I’ll take that if you don’t mind.  _[She grabs the snowboard away from MAC.]_

**STEVE**   
_[politely]_

Okay, we can wait for you guys.

 **DENNIS**   

Oh, no, no, it’s okay.  We can just meet her over there.  Besides, I need to get used to these rental skis.  They’re much different than my custom pair I forgot to pack.

_DENNIS starts to leave, stumbles a bit, and STEVE follows._

**MAC**

Dee, are you going to tell me what just happened because I sure as hell am not letting you use my snowboard.

**DEE**

Listen to me.  Dennis needs to think we’re best friends and that we’re having a great time without him.  Nothing makes him feel worse than being unnecessary.  And when he bails on Stephen to come crawling back to me, I’ll steal the obviously rich, handsome bachelor out from under his nose.

**MAC**

How’re you going to do any of that?  Dennis will never believe we’re friends. Besides, what’s in it for me?

**DEE**

Hm?  Oh, uh, when I reject Dennis, he’ll fall back on you as always, and you’ll have someone to embarrass yourself in front of or whatever it is you want to do. Okay, take off your boots.

**MAC**

What?

**DEE**

I need your boots.

**MAC**

They’re not going to fit you.

 

_Cut to DEE walking over in MAC’s boots to DENNIS and STEVE._

**STEVE**

Alright, are you ready to go?

**DENNIS  
** _[passive aggressively at DEE]_

Oh, I’ve been ready. 

**DEE**

Just a sec, gotta pop on my board here.    
_[She sits down to strap her feet in.]_

**STEVE**

Well, okay, I think I’m going to get a start if you want to stay with your sister.

**DENNIS**

Oh, no, I’m perfectly fine with leaving her.

 **DEE**    
 _[She manages to clamp her boots in quickly.]_

Boom!  No need to leave without me.  I’m here.  I’m good to go.

**STEVE**

Shall we race?

**DENNIS**

Uh, sure, yes, but I’m sure you’ll win, seeing as you’ve grown accustomed to these slopes.

**DEE**

See ya at the bottom, boners!    
_[She sets off down the hill at incredibly high speed.]_

**STEVE**

Take your time, but it looks like I’ve got some competition!

_STEVE sets off after DEE, who is incredibly unstable but is making her way down the slope without incident._

 

_Cut to CHARLIE and FRANK in their hotel room doing inventory on the steaks in various sized coolers._

**CHARLIE**

One seventy-nine, one eighty.  Alright, final count is one hundred and eighty steaks, Frank. 

**FRANK**

Okay, just set aside that small cooler for the samples, and we’ll sneak into the kitchen to find their meat supply.

**CHARLIE**

I don’t understand.  Why do we need to find their meat supply?  We could just arrange a business meeting, and do the transaction there.

 **FRANK**   

Ya see, no self-respecting chef is gonna take up my deal without a little incentive.  So we’re gonna break into the freezer and throw the meat in the dumpster so that we’re the only option for dinner tonight.  And only after doing business with us, they’ll hear our spiel and consider a business partnership.

**CHARLIE**

I see.  And how much are we getting for the deal?

**FRANK**

Well, I will be shooting for 25%.

**CHARLIE**

Wait, hold on, what am I getting out of this?  I don’t get paid?

**FRANK**

It’s not your meat to sell, Charlie.  It was left to me.  I pay for your food and rent; what more could you need?

**CHARLIE**

That’s it; I’m done.  I wash my hands of this.

**FRANK**

What? You’re gonna desert me just like that?

**CHARLIE**

Yep.  Sell your raccoon flesh by yourself.  And who knows??  I may have told you the wrong inventory!

**FRANK**

Charlie, I watched you count the steaks.

**CHARLIE**

Whatever, I’m going to find Mac and Dee.

 

_Return to the slopes.  DEE beat STEVE barely to the bottom and falls on her ass._

**STEVE**

Whoa, there.  Haha, wow, I didn’t know I was racing a pro.    
_[He offers her a hand. She takes it eagerly.]  
_ Did you say this was your first time?

**DEE**

Ah, yes, yes I’ve never snowboarded before.   
 _[She removes her goggles.]  
_ Oh, shit it’s bright!

 

_A distant, terrified screaming is heard, and DENNIS arrives into view shortly thereafter, obviously stifling screams. He shakes as he reaches the bottom of the slope._

**DEE  
** _[trying to be enticing/flirtatious]_

Listen, I was thinking you could buy me dinner for winning that race, huh?

 **STEVE**   

Listen, you seem like an… _enthusiastic_ enough woman, but if you haven’t already noticed my attempts at wooing your brother, I’m gay. 

_DENNIS approaches the pair out of breath._

**STEVE**

So!  How was your first run of the weekend?

**DENNIS**

I’m, whew, I made it didn’t I?

**DEE**

You’re shaking.  
  
**DENNIS**   

Well, yeah, I haven’t had much to eat today, seeing as I was too focused on preparing for this trip.

**STEVE**

Regardless of food, it doesn’t seem like you share your sister’s innate ability for the snow sports, but you know what, how ‘bout I make it up to you, buy you dinner?

**DENNIS**   
_[smiling, taking off his goggles]_

That sounds grea—shit, it’s bright!

 


	4. Chapter 4

_We see a broken lock and hear FRANK grunting before we see him in the resort kitchen’s freezer._

 

**CHEF**

Excuse me, sir, what do you think you’re doing?

**FRANK**

Solving your meat problem. 

**CHEF**

I don’t have a meat problem. Where is the rest of the staff?

**FRANK**

Oh, yeah, right, I sent them all on a paid break.    
_[He winks and laughs.]_

**CHEF**

I’m calling security.

**FRANK**

I wouldn’t do that if I was you. See, once management sees you’ve let someone break into your freezer and dispose of all your steak supply, you’ll be out of a job before you know it!

**CHEF**

Is that a threat?

 **Frank** :

Nah, that’s just the reality of it.  If you look in here, all your meat’s gone, thrown in the dumpster out back.  I think you’ll be very interested in looking at some samples I’ve brought to replace them.    
_[gestures toward the mini cooler he’s brought with him]  
_ Besides, if this goes over bad, you can always blame it on someone lower than you. That’s what I always do.

_The CHEF considers her options and makes the deal._

**CHEF**

How much?

**FRANK**

$3000, no negotiations.

 

_She looks into the cooler and wrinkles her nose in disgust._

**CHEF**

This meat isn’t even worth the $24 menu price.  I won’t go anymore than $1900.

**FRANK**

$2000.

**CHEF**

$1500.

**FRANK**

$1950

**CHEF**

I could press criminal charges if you don’t leave immediately.

**FRANK**

$1500 it is then!

_FRANK reaches out his hand, and the CHEF shakes it regretfully._

 

_MAC is walking into the lobby._

**CHARLIE**

Dude, I’ve been looking everywhere for you guys.  What’s with the boots?

**MAC**

Oh, Dee made me trade shoes with her so she could snowboard with Dennis and the beefcake. They’re actually surprisingly comfortable.   
_[both examine the boots]_

**CHARLIE**

Listen. I’m totally down for whatever you’re doing. Frank’s plan was a bust. There was nothing in it for me, so I thought ‘Why am I counting all your gamey raccoon steaks and moving all these coolers for you,’ ya know?

**MAC**

Dude, same with Dee’s plan! Well, minus the roadkill part. I thought why am I helping her out? She’s like my worst enemy, and then she said something about Dennis getting jealous of us hanging out but now that you’re here I don’t need Dennis!

**CHARLIE**

What do you want to do man?   
_[as if he knew the lingo]  
_ Do some gnarly snow grinds or surf a snow wave?

**MAC**   
_[cautious]_

Oo, I can’t until Dee brings back my board rental. Anyway, I think snowboarding might be overrated.

**CHARLIE**

Really?

**MAC**

Yeah, all it is is a bullshit balancing act, and you know me, I’m more brute strength and agility than girly gymnastic shit.  
  
**CHARLIE**

You couldn’t do it could you

**MAC**

It’s so hard, Charlie. You feel like one of those little army men action figures, and you can’t even walk around! It’s so goddamn stupid.

 

_DEE enters lodge in a huff._

  
**DEE**

New plan.  
  
**MAC**

No, no, I’m done with your plans. Me and Charlie are doing our own thing now.

**CHARLIE**

Yeah, you know what?  I think we could climb that hill back there; that could be fun.

**MAC**

Are you talking about the mountain?  
  
**CHARLIE**

Yeah, could be fun. Could be the first guy to climb it, set a record.

**MAC**

I guarantee you someone has climbed that mountain before.  
  
**DEE**

Oh my god!  Listen to me: That Steven guy is gay.

**CHARLIE**

I thought we already knew that.  
  
**DEE**

Well he’s going after Dennis, and if I can’t have him, no one can.

**MAC**

Wait a minute, have who? Who is being pursued here?

**CHARLIE**

Yeah, it honestly sounds like you’re jealous of ol Steve.

**MAC**

Or maybe she just can’t handle seeing Dennis happy.  
  
**DEE**

No, what?  None of that makes sense.  Stop picking apart my grammar when you know what I mean, dickwads. Okay, listen to my plan.

**MAC**

I still don’t know why we’re even listening.  
  
**CHARLIE**

Me either.

**DEE**

Goddammit goddammit! Ooooo, okay, imagine if Dennis and this guy actually do hit it off, hm? What does that do to us! We have this weird rich guy who is completely inaccessible to me floating around the bar and my apartment.  
  
**CHARLIE**

I don’t even think Dennis realizes he’s trying to date him to be perfectly honest.

**MAC**

Yeah, and Dennis isn’t gay, so I don’t think we have any threat of that happening.

 

_STEVEN and DENNIS walk into the lobby, and DEE spots them from a distance._

**DEE**

Oh my god, they're here! Hide!  
  
**CHARLIE**

Why are we hiding??

  
_They scurry behind a potted plant around the corner by the restrooms._

**DEE**

Shh!

_DEE, CHARLIE, and MAC can’t hear what STEVE and DENNIS are saying, but the audience can._

**STEVE**

So do you want to meet, say, in an hour for dinner?  
  
**DENNIS**

I think that gives me enough time to freshen up.

  
**MAC**

What are they talking about?  
  
**DEE**

Steve said earlier that he wanted to take him to dinner or something.

   
**STEVE**

I’ve had a fun time today. You seem like a cool guy.  
  
**DENNIS  
** _[is very flattered and happy]_

And you do as well. I don't think I can remember having this much good, clean, not-weird fun.

 

**CHARLIE**

I don’t know it looks like they’re just talking.  
  
**Elderly female guest:**

Excuse me, can I get past you to the restroom?

**DEE**

You’re not going to piss yourself, just wait a second.   
  
**Elderly female guest:**  

It really is an emergency.

**MAC**

Listen, lady, we’re doing important business here, so why don’t you just cop a squat in your adult diaper?  No one will notice!

 **Elderly female guest** :

I’m getting the manager!

**CHARLIE**

You know what, just,   
_[he shoves DEE and MAC out of the way much to their disdain]  
_ okay, here you go, sorry for the inconvenience, m'am. Jeez, Mac, you can’t just throw old ladies under the bus.  You’ve seen what my mom’s capable of.

**MAC**

Shit, yeah, you’re right.  
  
**DEE**

Look!

_DENNIS and STEVE are shaking hands, and STEVE is giving him the “European” cheek kiss thing that DENNIS thinks is the shit._

**CHARLIE**

What is that, are they kissing?  
  
**MAC**

No, Charlie, it’s a fancy thing rich people do.

**CHARLIE**

So if I want to be fancy, I just pretend to kiss someone?  
  
**DEE**

You guys, we’re going to sabotage their dinner tonight. 

**CHARLIE**

Whatever, just don’t order the steak though.  Frank’s probably got this whole scam rolling by now.  
  
**DEE  
** _[to Mac]_

Can you secretly find out when Dennis is going to dinner?  
  
**MAC**

Sure, Dennis tells me everything.  
  
**DEE**

Don’t make me regret relying on you.  


_Cut to MAC and DENNIS’ room._

**MAC**    
 _[to DENNIS]_

Dee is trying to ruin your date with Steve.

 


	5. Chapter 5

_DENNIS is confused at first but then laughs at MAC._

**DENNIS**

What Steve and I have is a true adult friendship, something I’ve tried to offer you throughout our life together, but you’ve rejected it for childish things like sleeveless shirts and Project Badass.

**MAC**

But it’s totally a date. Dee said Steve’s gay.

**DENNIS**

I’m not going to let your prejudice ruin my friendship with this man!  Your close-mindedness has denied me enough opportunities over the years!

**MAC  
** _[pointing]_

Don’t make this about me!  I’m trying to warn you that this guy wants in your pants!

**DENNIS**

So what!  I’d want in my pants too if I were gay.   
_[He looks pointedly at MAC and down at his mouth in disapproval. MAC is taken aback slightly but doesn’t move away.]  
_ I can’t indulge this foolishness any longer.  I have to be ready by 7.

 **Mac**   
_[casually]_

7?  Alright-y then, I’ll just... 

_DENNIS retreats to the bathroom, and MAC hurries out of the hotel room._

_SHOT: dining area of the resort’s restaurant._

_[“Moonbeam Kiss” plays.]_

_DEE, MAC and CHARLIE sit at a four-person table together.  DEE sits across from MAC and CHARLIE._

**DEE**

Okay, I’ve got it.  You see them over there right?

**CHARLIE**

Why is Dennis smiling so much?

**MAC**   
_[exasperated]_

He’s having adult fun, or something.  I don’t care. I just want to take this Steve bozo down.

**DE**

Yes, you’re finally seeing my side of things. Okay, you guys need to distract Dennis.

**CHARLIE**

What are we supposed to distract him with?

**DEE**

I don’t know, spill your drink on him and take him to the bathroom.

 **MAC**   

And what will you be doing?

**DEE**

Don’t worry.  I’m the mastermind.  I can scheme just as good as you guys.

 

_FRANK appears and sits next to DEE._

**DEE**

Where have you been?  Nevermind, I don’t actually want to know.

**FRANK  
** _[laughing]_

The deal went through.  Fifteen hundred buckaroonies, and no thanks to you _[points at CHARLIE]._

_CHARLIE responds by waving him off._

**MAC**

How’d you get them to buy your meat anyway?

**FRANK**

Doesn’t matter.  After tonight when no one notices a difference between their shit and my shit, they’ll be begging me for business!  
  
 **DEE**

Are you saying these patrons won’t recognize the difference between beef and raccoon?

**FRANK**

I seem to recall you willfully enjoying my meat a while back.  
  
 **DEE**   

Mmmmm, don’t say it like that, Frank. I don’t anyone here to think I’ve been with you any way sexually.  
  
 **CHARLIE**

Wait, didn’t we get a tapeworm from those steaks?

**MAC**

Yeah, how do you know no one’s going to get sick Frank?

**FRANK**

That’s not my problem. 

 **DEE**   

Mac, Charlie, go, go do your distraction.

_CHARLIE and MAC get up to leave._

 

**FRANK**

Ooo, a distraction?  I want in on this plan.

**DEE**

No, Frank, I won’t have you involved when all your ideas revolve around, eughhh, eating poopies and shooting people.

 

_Cut to DENNIS and STEVE’s table._

**STEVE**

You clean up nice.  Not that you’ve had to do much cleaning up.  
  
 **DENNIS**

Well, in my line of work, presentation makes all the difference.  
  
 **STEVE**

Tell me about it.  Where do you work?  
  
 **DENNIS**

I own a small business, a long-standing bar by the name of Paddy's.  You must be just as successful if not more so judging by your well-to-do nature and quality taste.

**STEVE**

Actually, I don’t tell this to everyone straight off the bat, but I’m a male escort.

**DENNIS**

Ah, no shame in that. You must get some high paying patrons by the look of it.  Mostly old ladies, hm? I tried to get into the escort business, but it was part of a whole thing to pay off the mob and I’m not exactly sure how that all ended. I must’ve blocked that out. _[shrugs]_

**STEVE**

Actually, I mostly escort men. You wouldn’t believe how many lonely, closeted Republicans there are in the Tri-State area.  
  
 **DENNIS**  
 _[getting his bearings]_

Let me get this straight. You’re a gay male escort.

**STEVE**

Is there anything wrong with that?

**DENNIS**

No, no of course not. To each his own.  I just don’t want you to think I’m a…

**STEVE**

Oh, no, I tell clients all the details up front.  Don’t worry. I’m not going to make you pay for my company.

_DENNIS chuckles nervously and adjusts his forks on the table._

**DENNIS**

I don’t doubt that your, uh, _company_ is anything less than fantastic! It’s just that…

 

_MAC and CHARLIE arrive out of nowhere._

**MAC**   
_[spills his red wine over DENNIS’ dress shirt]_

Whoops! I’m sorry there, sir!  
  
 **DENNIS**

What the hell, Mac!

_STEVE is confused._

**CHARLIE**

I say!   
 _[kisses DENNIS’ cheeks]_    
Why don’t we exchange shirts in the bathroom. It’s the least we could do!   
_[to STEVE]_ Excuse us, my good man!

 

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

_CHARLIE, MAC and DENNIS enter the men’s restroom._

**DENNIS**

What the _hell_ are you guys doing?

**CHARLIE**

Ya know, we just wanted to come over and say hi, introduce ourselves.

 **DENNIS**  
 _[pinches the bridge of his nose]_ :

I know you’re lying, but I don’t care.  I’m—Mac you were right. This is a date. I should’ve listened to you.

**MAC**

Ha!  Faced!   
_[He places his open hand in front of DENNIS’ face.]_

**DENNIS**

No, not ‘Faced.’ I don’t know what I’m going to do!  
  
**MAC**

Tell him you thought the date was a just a dinner between two guys who’ve been hanging out all day and complimenting each other.

**DENNIS  
** _[makes a weak but forceful choking motion at MAC]_

I don’t know, I don’t—I can’t do that.

**CHARLIE**

Well, just tell him you’re not interested.

_DENNIS looks helpless._

**MAC  
** _[flabbergasted]_   

No!  Dude, are you actually interested in this bozo?

**DENNIS**

Maybe?

**CHARLIE**

What’s stopping you? What are you waiting for? Get out there! Take my shirt though.

**DENNIS**

I’m not taking your shirt.  And-and-and-and, I don’t know!  I’m not gay?  
I mean, I feel this way about a lot of guys, but…Is this what liking men means? Oh God!    
 _[He panics quietly.]_

**CHARLIE**

Does it really matter?

**MAC**

Of course it matters, Charlie! I need to know so if my best friend and adopted brother is going to Hell for being queer!

**CHARLIE**

I mean you’re not one to talk, Mac.

**MAC  
** _[outraged]_

What does that mean, Charlie!

**CHARLIE**   
_[to DENNIS]_

Just take my shirt, it’ll be fine.

**MAC  
** _[to CHARLIE]_

What does that mean!  I demand you tell me at once before you slander my good name!

**CHARLIE  
** _[unbuttoning his shirt]_

Your name’s his name _[points at DENNIS]._ You’re all Reynolds, and I don’t think there’s anything I can say that would make you guys seem worse.

**DENNIS  
** _[noticing and protesting CHARLIE’s shirt swap]_

I’m not—is that my shirt? Charlie why are you wearing my shirt!

**CHARLIE**

Mac let me borrow it for tonight. 

_CHARLIE has taken off the shirt fully, so DENNIS guesses he should start unbuttoning his shirt as well._

**DENNIS  
** _[to MAC]_

You’re not allowed to let people borrow my clothing! It’s not yours to loan out!

**MAC**

Well, technically we share everything so…  
  
**DENNIS**

No, not ‘technically!’ These are not your clothes! Stop touching my things!   
_[puts on new shirt and CHARLIE buttons on the stained one]_

_A man walks into the bathroom to see them taking off their shirts._

**MAN**  
Oh, sorry. _[shuts the door quickly]_

 **MAC  
** _[to the MAN who is now gone]_ **:**  

No, we’re not—great, now the whole restaurant is going to think we’re in some sort of gang bang.  
  
**DENNIS**

No, they’re not.   
_[to CHARLIE]  
_ How do I look?

**CHARLIE**

Uhhhh, like you’re scared to go on a date with a guy you’ve been flirting with all day. Just go, _[to MAC]_ that should’ve been enough time, right?

**DENNIS**

Enough time for what?  
  
**CHARLIE**

Good luck, man!

 **DENNIS**  
 _[pointing at Mac]  
  
_ Stop stealing my shirts!   
_[exits the bathroom]_

**MAC**

You think he noticed you’re wearing his pants?

**CHARLIE**

No, dude, but do I look high class? Did I do the kissing thing right?

**MAC**

Charlie, you’re not fooling anyone.

_SHOT: They exit the restroom, and CHARLIE’s pants are way too long and also too tight around his thighs._

**DENNIS  
** _[returns to the table and laughs to break the tension]_

Sorry about that, my friends are idiots. They nearly ruined our date with their clumsiness, but luckily, they were willing to exchange shirts

**STEVE  
** _[cutting up his meal]_

They must be good friends for literally giving you the shirt off their backs.  
  
**DENNIS**

Well, actually it was my shirt that they stole, so yeah.  
  
**STEVE**

And I’m glad that you knew this was a date. I was a little worried for a second there.

**DENNIS** _  
[laughs to cover up his ignorance]_

Of course I knew it was a date. Why wouldn’t I know it was a date?    
 _[more laughter that ends in a big grin, which falls when he sees his plate]_     
Wait, I didn’t order yet.

**_STEVE_ ** _  
[eating]_

Oh, your sister came over while you were gone.  
  _[gestures towards DEE’s table]  
_ She recommended the steak, said that’s what you want, so I ordered.

 _DENNIS looks in fear as STEVE eats and casts a spiteful glance around to where STEVE gestured to see DEE’s smug face._  


_Cut to the Gang back in the Range Rover, same positions as before._

**DENNIS**

I can’t believe you gave my date rabies, Frank!

**FRANK**

It’s not my fault.  He shouldn’t have ordered his steak medium rare.

**DEE**

So you knew it was a date? I should’ve figured you were gay what with all the makeup and manicures and laser hair removal.

**DENNIS  
** _[in an announcement voice]_

Not gay, Dee, bisexual, like David Bowie.  I’ve decided I can enjoy men just as much as I can women, and really it just opens up my options.  And this is good, now that I’ve accepted myself and my sexuality, I think it’s time for you, Mac.

**MAC**

For me to what?

**DENNIS**

To accept that you’re gay.

**MAC**

Wha– do you guys all think I’m gay?

_Everyone shrugs._

**FRANK**

Pretty much.

**MAC**

This is preposterous!

**DEE**

Think of one woman who you’d like to have sex with, any woman in the world.

**MAC**

…That’s not fair! You’re putting me on the spot!

**FRANK**

Well, we wanna tell ya that we think it’s alright for you guys to be queer and all.

**CHARLIE**

Yep, we accept you, buddy, even if you don’t accept yourself.

**MAC**

Alright, whatever, but I’m not happy about it.

**DENNIS**

That’s the spirit!   
_[he pats MAC on the shoulder; MAC is not amused]  
_

**MAC**

This doesn’t mean I’m gonna start dating dudes.

**DENNIS**

Of course not, man, no one’s expecting you to progress further than this. Right guys?

_[group shrugging]_

**FRANK**

Well there is the topic of—

**DEE  
** _[harsh whispering]_

Shhh, Frank!

**CHARLIE  
** _[continued harsh whispering]_

We gotta let them work it out for themselves, or it’ll never happen.

**DENNIS**

What’s that?

_FRANK goes to speak, but CHARLIE speaks over him.  
_

**CHARLIE**

Oh, uh, I was thinking we could like throw a party, ya know, to celebrate and everything.

**DENNIS**

That sounds like a great idea, Charlie. Start off this new chapter right.

**MAC**

Fine, whatever. No rainbows though, that would be gay.

 

_[end]_


End file.
